Bad Taste

Title: Bad Taste (1987)
Dir: Peter Jackson
Rating: *** out of 5 stars



I've finally completed watching the Peter Jackson horror necessities, albeit in reverse chronological order (The Frighteners -> Dead Alive -> Meet the Feebles -> Bad Taste).

It's not as gory as Dead Alive and not as funny as Feebles, but Bad Taste is nevertheless a must-see for fans of the genre. This is the Jacksonian equivalent of Evil Dead, so expect grainy 16mm and shoestring-budget FX (which PJ created himself). Being his first film, it is an impressive achievement and consequently has become the most popular of his splatter trilogy.

The movie concerns 4 government agents from the Astro Investigation and Defense Service ("We have got to change that name!") who are sent into a quiet New Zealand town to investigate and control an alien invasion. They uncover a race of ETs who are harvesting humans for fast food meat on their home planet. The men must rescue the town's one surviving human - a tax collector - and subvert the aliens' fiendish plot.

For anyone not accustomed to this type of movie, you will have a permanent "wtf?" plastered on your face. In which case, don't bother renting this one. But if you know what you're getting into because you love cheesy, gory, hilarious horror movies, then what the hell are you waiting for?!



For Bad Taste, or any film like it, I don't want to give the impression that these are bad movies. I have the utmost respect for their writer/directors because they know how to draw the line between a brilliant cult film and a bad b-movie. Cheesy humor and outrageous gore do not always degrade the quality of a film. In the case of Bad Taste, they enhance it. Although, I do think the film occasionally gets out of hand while trying to gross out the viewer. For instance, one scene involves drinking vomit, which is a tad unecessary. I guess I prefer the blood and guts, myself.

For having a meager budget and a crew of amateurs, Jackson pulled the movie together quite well. Interesting trivia factoid: Jackson made all the alien masks himself in his mother's kitchen.

Seriously, if you don't have an open mind to these films, stay away. Bad Taste is bloody, vulgar, silly, and generally weird as hell. Those with weak stomachs and closed minds have been warned. As for the rest of you, I don't even have to tell you that this is a must-see classic.

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Just My Luck

Title: Just My Luck (2006)
Dir: Donald Petrie
Rating: *1/2 out of 5 stars

<-- Her wink haunts my very soul. For The Diamondback...

When Lindsay Lohan played twins in the Parent Trap remake, we thought, “Aww, isn’t that cute?” When she made her return in Freaky Friday, we said, “Hey, I remember her!” And as Cady in Mean Girls, we embraced her because, well, that movie was decent. But then Lohan-mania was unleashed upon the world, and somehow the female equivalent of Danny Bonaduce became an overnight sensation.

Now, after a laughable music career, endless tabloid controversies, and that stupid car movie, L.Lo has finally worn out her welcome. Her latest juvenile effort, Just My Luck places the teen idol in familiar situations with predictable outcomes. And worst of all, it is completely boring.

Lohan’s character basically undergoes another Freaky Friday swap, this time with a chronically unlucky fellow named Jake, portrayed by Chris Pine. Remember him from The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement? Of course you don’t. Unfortunately for Chris, you still won’t remember him after this one.

In the movie, Lohan plays Ashley Albright, the luckiest girl in New York City. She never needs an umbrella, can hail a taxicab in mere seconds, and wins every scratch-off ticket she buys. Meanwhile, Jake is a walking poster boy for Murphy’s Law. There is no rain puddle that won’t drench him and no dog mess he won’t step in.

After the two coincidentally meet during a masquerade party, they exchange a kiss and unknowingly trade lucks. Suddenly, Jake becomes a successful band manager while Ashley simultaneously loses her job, home, and love interest. Once she realizes her good luck has been stolen, she seeks out the masked kisser from the party. What follows is another teenage Cinderella story. Let’s hope Linds is not treading on the glass-shoed heels of Hilary Duff - Hell hath no fury like a 90-lb pop tart scorned.

Once Ashley gives up on finding the mystery man, surprise surprise, she meets Jake and they become friends. Even though their masquerade costumes had consisted of nothing more than eye-makeup and a Zorro mask, somehow neither recognizes the other.
Needless to say, they fall in love, figure out the kissing curse, and blah blah blah.

The bulk of the movie consists of Ashley or Jake repeatedly being splashed with something gross, hit with something painful, or breaking something expensive. It gets old. Although watching Lohan get electrocuted and punched in the face sounds like a damn good time, a movie can only milk one joke for so long.

Director Donald Petrie was the genius behind such classics as My Favorite Martian and Richie Rich - is my sarcasm showing? Once again, he brings nothing original to this film. If this one appeals to anyone over the age of 14, then Petrie can finally claim an impressive accomplishment.

Lohan fits her part well, and why shouldn’t she? She has played the role enough times now. Until she starts taking more mature, challenging parts, she will never surpass her reputation as a Tiger Beat pin-up. In Luck, her character works at an upscale business firm, but she still looks like a 10-year old wearing mommy’s coat.

Pine fulfills the role of “that guy in Lindsay Lohan’s movie.” He may share the lead credits with his redheaded co-star, but ultimately his part is relegated to that of eye-candy for all the pubescent female viewers.

Bree Turner (Bring It On Again) and Samaire Armstrong (The O.C.) play Ashley’s best friends. They are ten times more likable than Lohan, but all their hugs and giggles up the film’s girlishness to an all-time high. Boyfriends: you’ve been warned.

Furthermore, the script lowers their roles to that of Lohan ass-kissers. Always wishing they could be as lucky and successful as Ashley, these characters only exacerbate the message that luck and fate dictate your life, so if you don't have them, you're basically screwed. That's right girls - you might as well kill yourself now unless you can go find a handsome lucky man to kiss.

Rounding out the cast are Faizon Love (Elf) as record exec Damon Phillips and Missi Pyle (Dodgeball) as Ashley’s uptight boss, Peggy Braden. They are the oldest actors in the leading cast and the only two who are above this movie.

In the film, Jake manages a real-life band named McFly. Product placement in movies is bad enough, but Luck actually spends a large chunk of time plugging this band. Then, McFly gets booked at the brand new Hard Rock Café in Times Square, after which the characters repeatedly remind us, “This is an important venue!” Never before has a movie so blatantly prostituted itself as a commercial.

To the film’s defense, it should endlessly entertain its target audience of young girls. It has a leading heartthrob, a cute British band, a fairytale love story, and a lead female for girls to look up to (although the idea of Lohan as a role model is terrifying). Beyond that demographic, however, the film will flop.

For all the men who drool over Lohan, perhaps you can salvage something from this film. But for the rest of you, who don’t find the emaciated cheetah sexy, avoid Just My Luck at all costs. The same warning goes to anyone who likes intelligent movies. Just give your little sister nine bucks and drop her off at the theater. There are more entertaining things to do, like re-arranging your sock drawer.

Anyone for a game of connect-the-dots?

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The Promise

Title: The Promise aka Wu ji (2005)
Dir: Kaige Chen
Rating: *** and 1/2 out of 5 stars



For The Diamondback....

Take two parts House of Flying Daggers, one part Kung Fu Hustle, and just a dash of LSD, and you have the perfect recipe for Chen Kaige’s The Promise.

This Chinese fairy tale dazzles with surreal visuals and an epic love story set against the backdrop of a mythical land. The cinematography and costume design alone earn the film high marks, even if its cartoonishness occasionally gets out of hand.

When an orphaned girl makes a desperate pact with an enchanted goddess, she gives up ever finding true love in exchange for a life of beauty and riches. Now an adult, Qingcheng (Cecilia Cheung) is an adored princess, but regrets her promise since her fate is sealed - she can never have true love.

After a masked slave named Kunlun (Dong-Kun Jang) rescues her, Qingcheng falls for the man she mistakenly believes to be her masked hero – Kunlun’s master, General Guangming (Hiroyuki Sanada). Although Kunlun loves her too, he is forced to quietly obey his master who has now developed a fondness for the princess. Further complicating the love triangle is Wuhuan (Nicholas Tse), an evil Duke who not only wants Qingcheng but desires the throne as well.

The Promise has all the classic elements of a fairy tale: a cursed princess, magical cloaks, eternal life, epic battles, an evil monarch, and above all, love. The hero epitomizes class struggle (ala Aladdin) and yearns to understand where he came from. All these elements have been filmed before, but here they are rejuvenated through the beauty of Chinese culture.

The eccentric visuals are where the film enters love-it-or-hate-it territory. For instance, Kunlun has superhuman speed, a vestige of the magical family he never met. When he races through a stampede of bulls carrying someone on his back, eye rolling is inevitable, but I came to enjoy the surreal visuals. In another scene, Kunlun flies Qingcheng like a kite on a string, which at first seems completely absurd, but is oddly beautiful after all.



As a fantasy, The Promise does not operate on the same plane of realism as most films. Just like when Superman outraces a speeding bullet, or Harry Potter casts a spell, you don’t question how, you just enjoy it.

It seems that the greatest criticism against The Promise is the computer graphics. For instance, the aforementioned stampede of bulls does look rather fake. With a budget of $35 million (making it the most expensive film in Chinese history), even one bad FX shot is frustrating. Still, last year’s King Kong excelled despite those horrible CGI brontosaurs. Perhaps there’s just something about stampeding animals that graphic artists cannot get a grip on.

Even a few weak CGI shots are completely outweighed by the jaw-dropping cinematography in this film. This is not surprising considering its cinematographer Peter Pau also worked on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Further complementing his work are the set design and costumes, which culminate in an all-around beautiful movie.

Critics will undoubtedly draw comparisons to films like Flying Daggers and Hero, but The Promise is not simply a rip-off cashing in on the craze. Chen Kaige takes the subgenre to a new level with his hyper-surreal style and fairy tale narrative.

Granted, it cannot compete with its predecessors as a martial arts film. The fights are not boring, but they wouldn’t exactly win awards for choreography. Furthermore, it lacks the emotional depth of earlier films, but such comparisons are unfair because it is not trying to be those films. The Promise seems unapologetic about its flashiness, which makes it all the more likable. It does not pretend to be anything more than a fantastical opera of color and beauty.



The entire cast is delightful to watch, most notably Japanese actor Hiroyuki Sanada who learned to speak Mandarin for his role. Tse, a pop star overseas, stands out as the evil Duke with a strange fetish for birds. Another standout role is delivered by Ye Liu as the Duke’s slave and personal assassin, Snow Wolf, who makes for a fascinating antithesis to Kunlun. Kind of like the Venom to Kunlun’s Spider-Man, Snow Wolf too has a gift for speed, but was fated to forever serve a dark master.

Chen Kaige’s colorful fable proves that the course of love never runs smooth, but it can overcome all odds, even the confines of fate and time. Some viewers will not be able to stomach the eccentric graphics, but even its most outlandish shots are no sillier than anything in the cult hit, Kung Fu Hustle. If you maintain an open mind, you should at the very least find beauty in The Promise.

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