Friday, August 07, 2009

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Film: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
Dir: Stephen Sommers
Rating: 1/2 out of 5 stars

And so the serial raping of our childhoods continues this summer with G.I. Joe. This movie somehow managed to be worse than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Then again, with the combined fail skills of Channing Tatum and Stephen Sommers, I shouldn't be surprised. Not only does this adaptation shit all over the television series, but it is practically unwatchable.

Hot-shot soldiers Duke and Ripcord are recruited to an elite international operation called "G.I. Joe." They train with veteran Joes like Scarlett, Snake Eyes, and Heavy Duty. Their mission is to stop a nefarious arms dealer called Destro. His evil organization intends to use their advanced weapons to cause widespread panic, resulting in a new world order. Destro's crew includes Baroness, who happens to be Duke's former fiancee, and the masked Storm Shadow, who of course has history with Snake Eyes.

I'll begin with the characters. This movie ruined Duke. The first misstep was casting the laughably bad Channing Tatum. Additionally, they wrote him as reckless hotshot instead of a strong leader. And he was also kind of a pussy in the film. Pining over Baroness? Stop making shit up! Okay, now Ripcord...nevermind that he is now black, whatever, I don't care. But again, he's a hot-shot smartass, and instead of jumping from planes (which is where he got the name RIPCORD you assholes), he flies jets. And of course he's chasing Scarlett's ass. Could the screenwriters have possibly fucked this up any more? Creative liberty is one thing, but when adaptating a beloved series, can't you TRY to retain some of its biggest elements?

I was disappointed with how they handled Cobra, and his look altogether. Both he and Destro have really lame masks in the end. Bring on the blue hood and the obnoxious voice! While Baroness looks good, her relationship with Duke kills it. And she is completely ruined in the end, but I won't say how to spare you a spoiler. I did like Snake Eyes (despite the lips) and Storm Shadow because, let's face it, ninjas are always cool no matter how you slice it.

A lot of the acting is bad, but this falls largely on Tatum. I dare you not to laugh out loud a few times. Furthermore, all the cheesy drama is laughable. Like Baroness having flashbacks of loving Duke as he is getting his ass kicked by Destro's men. Irritating on SO many levels.

So, ridiculous story and inconsistencies aside, how does Rise of Cobra hold up as an action movie? Not at all. The computer-generated FX are just awful. Not a single visual FX shot looks passable. Whether you give a shit about the 1980s cartoon mythos or not, there is nothing likable about this flick. Before seeing it, I had one hopeful request - that there might be a PSA after the credits. But alas, Sommers isn't even that clever. Fuck this movie.


Daniel said...

Heather I honestly disagree, I'm 26 yrs of age and trust me I remember the GI Joe cartoons, In my opinion this movie was actually a punch up not a guttshot down. I disagree with just about everything you've stated about duke a ripcord yes ripcord use to jump from choppers on the ripcord and that is in fact how he earned his nick, but I believe that the screenwriters encourporaited real life emotion and real life military training into the movie thereof making it more believable. So on that matter I think I'm going to bookmark your page so I can give more constructive cryticism on other movies you've talked down on that I might enjoy. Sincerely Mustang_Mav